Existentialism and Psychedelic Rock

  “Driving that train,high on cocaine” can be heard coming through the speakers of my iPhone as I attempt to write a meaningful piece.  I’ve had a hard time writing articles lately, partly because I’ve been off my meds, partly because all I want to do after work is relax.  I have a lot of things I’d like to mention in this post, so it may end up being a bit lengthy.  That’s a good thing though right?  I mean hopefully people look forward to reading more of my anxiety filled, neurotoxicity plagued writings.

  Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of psychedelic music, mostly because it makes me feel at peace with the absurd, existential life I live.  I’ve really enjoyed the acid rock of Steppenwolf, as well as the psychedelic vibes of Jefferson Airplane and Grateful Dead.  I’d have to agree that a friend of the devil is a friend of mine.  I feel like I’ve always lived that way.  Maybe it’s because “nice people” never seem to have anything worthwhile to say, well to me at least.  I’ve come to accept that people are selfish, and if they deny it, they’re lying.  People who can come to terms with their nature, and accept their negative side can live more fulfilling lives in my opinion.

  I’ve also listened to The Stranger by Albert Camus on audiobook several times these past few weeks.  I’ve come to love the philosophical writings of existentialists.  I love their ability to analyze reality, and deal with life in a rebellious manner.  I started reading Nietzsche, the gateway existentialist, months ago and have fell in love with the philosophy ever since.  I’m probably going to start reading Jean-Paul Sartre, Soren Kierkegaard, and other prominent existential thinkers soon.

  Ever since I was a kid I’ve always dreamed of being a singer.  I know every waiter ever has uttered the previous sentence at least once.  But, it has always been an aspiration of mine, weather I like it or not.  I’d like to sing in a rock band.  I want to blend psychedelic and alternative metal together.  It would sound like The Doors fused with Volbeat.  I know it’s just a fantasy, but still, a dreams a dream right?

Back From Chicago: Goodnight Everyone

  Well I’m finally home from Chicago!  I got to tell you though, it feels fucking great!  It was over a week ago (insert pop culture reference) when my girlfriend and I first pulled out of the driveway.  This week felt like an eternity!  I’m so glad it’s over.  No bitter sweet goodbyes here; only good riddance. 

  It’s funny that I drove to Chicago and back, considering I only got my license 3 months ago.  I was almost 19.  I planned on getting my license when I was 16, but I never got the chance.  I was either too busy, lazy, nervous, or a wicked combination of all 3.  To be honest though, I’m sort of glad that I waited to mature a bit, before getting behind the wheel.

  In other news, I start work again on Wednesday.  I hope I’m still employed.  It’s a weird feeling when you go from getting paid every week, to missing a week.  It’s like your wallet is shrinking, but for some reason it’s failing to get any bigger.  Sorry this post isn’t any longer, but I’ve been on the road for the past 6 hours.  Goodnight everyone!

The Parable of The Gold

  There was once a man who was promised a large sum of gold.  All the man had to do was stand under an oak tree, and stare at a mountain.

  He stood under a great oak, and cast his glance upon a snow covered mountain in the distance.  Night came, and the man, not in possession of any gold, grew tired and decided to go home and rest for the night.

 

  He came back to the same oak early in the morning.  He stood under the oak all that day as well, staring at the mountain on the horizon.  Night came once again, and the man, feeling cheated, left the oak and headed to a local tavern for a drink.

 

  While sitting at the bar with his drink, he heard a loud scream!  He turned to see a rugged old man, with holes in his clothes, holding a large sack.  The old man started going on about how he was walking through the forest just minutes earlier.  When he had stopped under a large oak tree to take a break, he happened to glance to the north where he seen a twinkle, caused by the moonlight reflecting off of something on a nearby mountainside.  The old man went to investigate the twinkle, and upon reaching the location the twinkle had occurred, the man happened to spot a large pile of gold.  He put it all in his sack and hurried back to town to buy a drink.

  There was then the sound of glass breaking, and the man at the bar grumbled under his breathe, shot the lucky old man an enraged gaze, and stormed out the tavern.

Crossroads: College and Career

  I’m finding myself at a crossroads in my life.  About 6 months ago, I was certain that I wanted to become a Psychologist.  It seemed like the right career for someone like me, since I rely on my emotions and mathematics feel like an insufferable plague to me.  I enjoy helping people with their problems, and I think I would make an effective mediator or counselor. 

  Well here’s where that easy road stopped.  I purchased The Apology and The Republic by Plato on audiobook one late night last June.  I was amazed by Socrates ability to argue and think critically (obviously there’s no way to separate truth from fiction, being that these texts were written around 400-300 BCE. Nevertheless, they are still great literary works) even when faced with death.  The life of Socrates was inspiring to me as a person, and I feel that it touched on something in my core, something unexplained, yet very real.

  After listening to the texts over and over, checking out various other philosophers (Nietzsche being a personal favorite.), and meditating hard on all of these ideas that they inspired, I had come to the conclusion that I would switch my major to Philosophy.  It seemed like a great idea at the time (how many horror stories start with that very line I wonder?).  However, I am now approaching a cataclysm of doubts.  I wonder if maybe I used too much haste when I made the decision to major in Philosophy.

  It would no doubt be a very interesting path.  But, this path would ultimately lead to nowhere.  Philosophy is more applicable as a hobby, or skill, than as a foundation to a successful, and fiscal, career.  The ironically true joke is “What’s the difference between a philosopher and a bench?” sadly “A bench can support a family.”  For some reason I just don’t feel the need to spend 4 years of my life studying, so that I can better argue with the other philosophy majors in line at the soup kitchen. 

  I’ve come to the conclusion that philosophy, while attractive, is not a very viable major (for me at least.)  I will most likely choose to go back to Psychology; however, I want to look into other potential majors as well.  Whatever I do, I hope it is enjoyable, profitable, and fulfilling.

Society's Twisted Idea of Manhood, My Story

  I find it tragic how society ruthlessly defines what a “man” is.  To a lot of people, a “man” is someone who shows no regard for others comfort, has sex with lots of women, and makes more money than most other men.  I find this definition of masculinity to not only be wrong, but also highly disturbing.  Yet, it is the image of this form of “manhood” that many young people try to imitate.  It causes them to feel insecure, depressed, hopeless, and inferior.  This is not the image that we need the youth to see.

  It was only 3 years ago.  I was a rebellious, insecure, confused youth.  My life was plagued by a lack of testosterone, and an extreme excess of dextromethorphan.  I surrounded myself with narcissists, pot heads, and low-lives of every imaginable kind.  My most prized possession was a cheap vaporizer that I had picked up at the mall for $60 around Christmas.  Everyday my friends and I spent our time chasing women, acting like buffoons, getting kicked out of malls, and getting as high as we possibly could.  I only truly cared about the getting high part.  I was up to 2 bottles of cough syrup a day, or 2 packs of cough medicine tablets (we called them triple C’s because of the brand name).   Hell, I didn’t even smoke weed anymore.  The way I saw it; that money could be better spent on cough syrup.  I could disassociate myself for a lot cheaper.  Most the time, I just stole the stuff anyways.

  At that point in my life, I was haunted by society’s vision of an “alpha-male”.  I wanted to get fucked up.  I wanted to fuck.  I wanted to not give a fuck.  That’s what all the rappers talked about.  My “friends” had told me stories of their many bedroom conquests.  I was swimming in jealousy every time I seen someone with something, or someone, I desired.  I suffered from Social Anxiety Disorder, but my dad couldn’t afford the insurance for me to seek treatment.  I was always in a state of pure hell.  It got so bad at one point that I even attempted to kill myself.  I failed miserably.

  I eventually got the treatment I needed.  I was able to learn firsthand, what it meant to be a REAL man.  That’s beside the point though.  The point is, that all of the negative thoughts that caused me tremendous amount of insecurity and pain, stemmed from society’s idea of what a man is supposed to be like.  I was a messed up, stupid, narrow minded, and ignorant asshole.  Fortunately I was able to see the error of my ways, and make a change for the better.  A lot of people aren’t so lucky.  They remain pathetic ass-heads until they finally roll over and die.

The Chicago Accident, Part 3: Conclusion, Fear and Loathing in Chicago

   After taking my Zoloft, a rare session of positive reinforcement, and reading a few good articles on drnerdlove.com (no, it’s not a pitch.  The articles were genuinely helpful to reinforce my beliefs.), I am feeling good about myself again.  Sometimes, I feel that things can trigger us to be thrown out of balance.  I feel that it’s important to remind ourselves that we’re not worthless pieces of feces occasionally.  The whole accident thing really knocked me into a state of self-loathing, fearful thinking, and negative self-talk.  I’m glad to finally be back on my feet again.

  I’m laughing my head off right now!  The book that I brought for this trip was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson.  I doubt there could be a more fitting title to pin on this trip!  This has certainly been a trip for “Fear and Loathing”!  

The Chicago Accident, Part 2: Stomach Aches, Anxiety, and an Inferiority Complex

  My stomach tightens and the feeling of diarrhea takes hold of my entire being.  I’ve held this in long enough!  All the while, telling myself “just sit still and think about something else and this feeling in your gut will disappear.”  My professional medical advice was incorrect, perhaps a miscalculation on the part of my tendencies toward denial.  This anxiety is tearing me apart from the inside out!  When will Raiden get out of surgery?!  Is she okay?  Am I prepared to take care of her post-operative needs?  I suck at time management!  I’m not smart enough!  That Zoloft had no effect on my anxiety!  Ahhhh!

  Even with all of these anxious thoughts, I manage to sit still and try to calm my nerves.  Everything is going to be okay.  I remind myself that I’m only 19 and I still have a lot to learn about responsibility, and life in general, also that it’s normal for someone in my situation to be anxious.

  This whole situation started to trigger my inferiority complex when my girlfriend told me some things about the doctor (I won’t reveal these things as they are personal).  That was back in September.  I was doing a good job dealing with my insecurities until we got in that car accident yesterday, and my sense of safety was thrown into a panic frenzy!  Yesterday upon arriving at the doctor’s office, I felt like EVERYONE was better than me.  My anxiety was horrible.  When we saw all the doctors cool knick-knacks in his office, all I could think was “He’s smarter, richer, and cooler than me!  I might as well just leave my girlfriend with him.”  It was hell in my head!  I hate how I always do this to myself!  My anxiety takes control of all my thoughts, makes me feel incompetent, and stupid.

  Today was a lot better, because I was able to ease my mind with a MUCH needed good night’s sleep.  I’m still a bit on edge, but I’m mostly just nervous about the operation!  I hope she’s okay!                                                                                                                                                                           UPDATE 5:18 pm Chicago Time:  She's Okay!  We'll be going to visit her at 6 o'clock. 

The Chicago Accident

  Today has been one HELL of a day.  I am actually thoroughly convinced that the realm parallel to hell is indeed the traffic in Chicago.  The snow poured straight from Satan’s salt shaker onto the cluttered highway.  We left southern Ohio on a journey westward to the home of The Bears and high murder rates.  Our destination was to be the office of Dr. Zukowski , renowned plastic surgeon.  My beautiful girlfriend is having F.F.S. tomorrow.  So, let me get right into it.

  We were driving west on 65? I think.  The wind was mercilessly blowing snow onto the road, where it would then turn to ice.  Raiden’s dad began to fish tail hard in front of us.  I pressed hard on the anti-lock brakes, ignoring the gruesome scenes from my childhood that were flashing before my eyes.  It wasn’t enough.  We were going to slam right into him!  I (not supposed to do this btw, but I never had drivers education classes) pulled up on the emergency brake.  I swerved to the left, off the road, to avoid hitting him.  We then proceeded to slam into the guard rails, actually taking a couple of them out of the ground.  Only the left side of the car, and the back left tail light, took damage from the accident.  My girlfriend and I were Okay.

  I felt so horrible the whole time.  I kept thinking to myself “Raiden’s gonna die and it’s my fault!”  The sentence replayed in my head every 3 milliseconds.  Thankfully we’re alright.  Now all I have to do is take care of her post surgery wounds.  To be honest though, that’s going to be a cake walk compared to everything that happened today.  This isn’t what I thought I’d be writing about today at all, but eh, that’s life I guess.

2015 Reckless Humanity Update

  Hello everyone!  By “everyone” I’m referring to the 5 or 6 people that actually care to read these articles.  2014 was a crazy year for the world.  It was probably the BEST year of MY life so far!  I got to spend it with the most amazing woman in the world! I got my Driver’s license, obtained a vehicle, and held a great job since June!  There has been great tragedy in the world as a whole.  Everyone and their Mom has access to a W.M.D.  Skin color remains relevant in society.  You can’t even trust your own shadow.  Alas, I've been enjoying the ride.

  As 2015 revs its engine like my clunky car in the freezing cold trying desperately to pop the choke, I turn my attention to recklesshumanity.blogspot.com.  I would like to start posting articles AT LEAST every other day.  I’ve decided to start posting a combination of news, essays, poetry, reviews, and misc. articles.  I hope to turn this blog into a masterful work of expression and life.  If there are topics you would like to see me give coverage of, please feel free to leave it in the comments or message me on G+.

  Some of the topics I’m interested in reviewing are food, video games, music, and movies.  I want to review the new, as well as the old (hopefully the food will be fresh though).  I hope that you all will enjoy reading about these various things, as much as I will enjoy writing about them.  So without further ado, here’s to 2015.  Here’s to Reckless Humanity!