My stomach tightens
and the feeling of diarrhea takes hold of my entire being. I’ve held this in long enough! All the while, telling myself “just sit still
and think about something else and this feeling in your gut will disappear.” My professional
medical advice was incorrect, perhaps a miscalculation on the part of my
tendencies toward denial. This anxiety
is tearing me apart from the inside out!
When will Raiden get out of surgery?!
Is she okay? Am I prepared to
take care of her post-operative needs? I
suck at time management! I’m not smart
enough! That Zoloft had no effect on my
anxiety! Ahhhh!
Even with all of
these anxious thoughts, I manage to sit still and try to calm my nerves. Everything is going to be okay. I remind myself that I’m only 19 and I still
have a lot to learn about responsibility, and life in general, also that it’s
normal for someone in my situation to be anxious.
This whole situation
started to trigger my inferiority complex when my girlfriend told me some
things about the doctor (I won’t reveal these things as they are
personal). That was back in
September. I was doing a good job
dealing with my insecurities until we got in that car accident yesterday, and
my sense of safety was thrown into a panic frenzy! Yesterday upon arriving at the doctor’s
office, I felt like EVERYONE was better than me. My anxiety was horrible. When we saw all the doctors cool knick-knacks
in his office, all I could think was “He’s smarter, richer, and cooler than me! I might as well just leave my girlfriend with
him.” It was hell in my head! I hate how I always do this to myself! My anxiety takes control of all my thoughts,
makes me feel incompetent, and stupid.
Today was a lot
better, because I was able to ease my mind with a MUCH needed good night’s
sleep. I’m still a bit on edge, but I’m
mostly just nervous about the operation!
I hope she’s okay! UPDATE 5:18 pm Chicago Time: She's Okay! We'll be going to visit her at 6 o'clock.
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